Two companies that made shoelaces had common ties.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
Novice pirates make terrible singers because they can’t hit the high seas.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.
Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Don’t trust people that do acupuncture, they’re back stabbers.
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.
My new theory on inertia doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.
Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn’t know how to conduct itself.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder.
Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.
What is the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.
The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I’ve been to the dentist several times so I know the drill
I was arrested after my therapist suggested I take something for my kleptomania.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’.
The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands.
I get my large circumference from too much pi.
When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent
A baker stopped making donuts after he got tired of the hole thing.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.
The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.
The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line.